Correcting Your Wife?

And you haven't actually listened to that episode yet because it's not out yet. And as you can hear, I'm still right at the tail end of getting over a cold. That dark week was partially because of getting sick. It has lasted all of December. Yes. December can go away now. all of it for many reasons. Yes. But all of our friends and listeners here understand, right? A lot of you have lots of kids. You understand that when one person gets sick in a house, it's like a, well, here we go. See you in six weeks at church. And we had a lot of other weird trials pop up in December that are still not solved. Yeah. So it was a very strange month for us. We're ready for New Year, New Me. I'm just kidding. Not New Me. Nope. Just me. Hey. Okay, never mind. We'll talk later about resolutions. Oh. We should. I should do an episode on resolutions. That's a great idea. Okay, we'll write that down. This episode, and you probably were clued in there from Proverbs 27, and the title now that I think about it, is about being wounded by people who love you. Specifically, we wanted to follow up the episode last week with Eric and Ben, where we talked about the husband and his role in giving his wife permission to correct him, bring feedback, criticism to him. You get that question all the time. And so today, what we wanted to do is follow up with an episode on how a husband can or maybe should he, and if so, how, correct his wife.

about the husband and his role in giving his wife permission to correct him, bring feedback, criticism to him. You get that question all the time. And so today, what we wanted to do is follow up with an episode on how a husband can or maybe should he, and if so, how, correct his wife. You may hear the sound of freedom, F-35s. We're recording at a little bit of a different time here. This is like, I'm home post-Christmas for a few days. And so we're trying a nap time recording right now, which would be so good because we're at our peak at 2 p.m. Who's not at their peak of the mental energy? Freshly caffeinated. Yes. We're going to be talking in this episode about whether or not a husband ought to be correcting his wife, if so, when, how kind of pitfalls he might fall into, and best practices there. So first question, Lexi, even just to this question of should a husband be correcting his wife? I know that's obviously a very controversial statement in the world of modern Western feminism. So what are your thoughts as a, you know, well-known wife? Well-known wife. I'm just kidding. Yes, he definitely should be. If she needs correcting, he definitely shouldn't nag her. But if she needs genuine correction, then yes, he is one of the only people who can see

Yes, he definitely should be. If she needs correcting, he definitely shouldn't nag her. But if she needs genuine correction, then yes, he is one of the only people who can see intimately into her life to know that there's genuine instruction needed there. Repentance and instruction. So absolutely he should. Yes. And what kind of biblical warrant do you think you would go to, if you were talking to a young lady who's coming to you and saying, my husband, man, he just came up to me and he was like, hey, I think you're doing this and you need to stop doing that? And, you know, is he allowed to do that? I would go to the verse about the husband washing the wife with the word. That's good. And I think that would probably be, because really, obviously the admonition to not be a nag is to the woman because the woman has a proclivity to do that. But I think also, what's most helpful when a man is, when a man is correcting his wife is what is the scriptural category he's coming to her with concern about. That's very good. So I don't, I think it can become unfair when it's like, hey, you don't weigh, you know, 40 less pounds than you could and I want you to, you to, you need to go to the gym, you need to go. Like, that's totally different than you have a hot temper. Let's talk about it. So does that make sense? Yeah, you're saying that the most direct path for a, wife to be able to understand it, hang her hat on the scriptures and say, yep, my husband is within his

So does that make sense? Yeah, you're saying that the most direct path for a, wife to be able to understand it, hang her hat on the scriptures and say, yep, my husband is within his role and authority is, he's bringing a concern with a Bible verse attached to it? Yeah, and there's two reasons I would say this. One would be because that way, if he's sinning to in some way, it doesn't negate the truth of the scripture, that she needs to be pursuing that. And then two, it also keeps him accountable to not being a domineering husband when it comes to this stuff. Yeah. So. go to the several passages that instruct a wife to submit to her husband, which would imply that he is and that he's the head. There's real authority there. And there's no such thing as authority in an office of authority that doesn't come with both a duty and the given authority to correct people who are in your charge. It would be like, you know, if parents are in authority over their children, but they're not allowed to correct their children, just wouldn't make sense. sense. It's not this, I'm not saying it's the same relationship. Obviously, a wife and a husband relate to each other differently than children to their parents. But a husband is expected to be in a position where he has wisdom and where God has fitted him because of the role that God has commanded him to stand in as the head of the home, that God has fitted him to properly lead his house.

correction here. Why is that so controversial? Because ladies don't want to be told, what to do. We're proud. Yeah, I think you talk about this a lot, that scripture speaks to weaknesses. And I think part of the reason women need to be told to submit to their husbands is because they don't want to, especially, like, it's already hard, no matter who it is that's coming to you with a concern for sin, like calling you to repentance, it's hard. But I do think there is something uniquely spiritual going on there between a husband and a wife. Yeah, in the same way that a husband is commanded to nourish and cherish his wife and love his wife. And those are particular commands to the husband that are not given identically to the wife. One of the reasons that Paul and Peter and other authors of Scripture do this kind of thing is that they're teaching, not that a wife isn't to love her husband, but that a husband will be particularly tempted to not love his wife or cherish her and nourishment. we're in a unique cultural moment where everything is blamed on the patriarchy and I still haven't found evidence that one thing is the patriarchy's fault. Um, so that being the case, like you can see why men are so distrusted. So why would you, and sometimes rightfully so. Oh,

like you can see why men are so distrusted. So why would you, and sometimes rightfully so. Oh, absolutely. Of course. But not not because those men that are not trustworthy were acting like godly patriarchs because they weren't. That's the problem. But because there is a general distrust of men, then you could see why a man trying to advise a woman would be looked down upon or called, I don't even know, like abusive or all of those things. When actually often a husband is being abusive if he refuses to ever correct his wife. Like the end of this verse says at our opener or Proverbs 276, perfuse are the kisses of an enemy. There's so, I mean, I can think of one husband in particular that has just let his wife run off with just really bad sinful habits, not, nothing like, she's not committing adultery, but other little sins that he has not corrected over time that have just given his family a horrible reputation. And part of that, I'm sure, is because, you know, there's mutual submission involved and all the gross, egalitarian things. Yeah. Someone's playing basketball upstairs now during quiet time. During quiet rest time. Well, you know what? Sometimes basketball happens during quiet rest time. Hmm. Okay.

Sometimes basketball happens during quiet rest time. Hmm. Okay. Well, one other angle that you might be able to see the necessity of gentle, loving correction of your wife is to think of the strategies that a husband might be tempted to deploy. If he doesn't do this, things like the profuse are the kisses of an enemy, like where he might be tempted to simply pacify her or to, like, suck up to her or to turn the marriage into a bartering economy. Happy wife, happy life. Yeah, he doesn't like something she's doing. And so instead of just respectfully treating her like an adult, he treats her like a child that, a spoiled child that he's going to manage by giving candy to. And instead of that, it's like, what will that create? What kind of home would that create? Yeah, it's like a spoiled toddler. Yeah, it makes your wife, you're not actually treating her, like an adult. An adult, you'd be able to take her aside gently and say, hey, you're not allowed to just be rude to everybody when you have a bad day. Like you're not, you're literally just not allowed to do that. You need to repent of that and you need to go apologize to the children and sometimes that is what courageous love looks like in a marriage. Another strategy that a husband might be tempted to deploy that is equally unhelpful on the other side of the, the, the other, the, the other, the other side of the road. So there's that passivity where he's, like, spoiling and he's just ignoring or pacifying. Well, a husband can also just blow up and be super rude and start sinning back and saying,

the, the other, the, the other, the other side of the road. So there's that passivity where he's, like, spoiling and he's just ignoring or pacifying. Well, a husband can also just blow up and be super rude and start sinning back and saying, you're giving me the cold shoulder. I'll give you the cold shoulder. Yeah. That's not correction. That type of harshness reminds me of a parent. I've had many conversations where the parents are like, nope, spanking is unkind. And I'm like, well, did you blow up and scream at them? Instead? It would have been a lot nicer if you had just stopped and calmly spanked them. Was that really kind? Again, wives. and husbands have a different relationship than parents and children, but it is the same sort of thing. Like, you need to be getting to a place where you are still self-controlled in the correction, or it doesn't, it's not, it's not helpful. Your anger is disqualifying you from correcting. Well, it's like we've said this before, but you will be tempted always to reach for the tools of the flesh to respond to somebody else's flesh. And that never works. If your wife is being, let's say she's being rude or naggy, and you start responding by being rude. It's like, does rudeness cast out rudeness? No, it actually amplifies it. It makes it worse. So a husband who won't correct his wife lovingly gently is actually hating her. He's being the enemy with profuse kisses or profuse anger and blowups who refuses to, you know, quote unquote wound his wife and say something hard that she needs to hear. We talked about the last episode. Eric and I and Ben

your wife longer than her parents even, especially as an adult. So it's like, You know, if you won't do that, if you won't receive that, wounding, then what you're actually asking for is the far worse, self-inflicted, gangrenous wound of unconfessed, unrepentantant sin. And I think, too, obviously there's a time for women to speak into other women's lives and correct them. Yeah. But like, that shouldn't be, if a husband is doing his job, that should be happening happening very minimally. If your wife is never hearing from you, but always hearing from of the women in the church, that's probably not a good thing. Like a good reflection on your status report as a husband? I don't know. Yeah, it's like if a farmer, if his neighbors were always bringing his sheep back to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, bro, fix your fences. Yeah. Like, you need to do, like, yeah, it's a good neighbor who will do that. I think sometimes, obviously, like, I can think of interactions where I've had to, um, I wouldn't even say correct, but like clarify with other women what's going on. And it's done. And I've done. And I've, wondered like, why hasn't your husband dealt with this? But then I've also realized husbands don't see all interactions, social interactions with women. So that's one thing. But I just, I do think it's important for like husbands. If, if their wife really is stuck in an emotional issue specifically and it's affecting certain things, he needs to take care of that. Or other people will notice it and they will

it's important for like husbands. If, if their wife really is stuck in an emotional issue specifically and it's affecting certain things, he needs to take care of that. Or other people will notice it and they will say something. Yeah. And this is part of even the elder qualification with First Timothy 3, 4 and 5 that a man who doesn't manage his household well, he can't be an elder because how can he manage the household of God? If his wife is on the loose. This is why it's such a shame that you have lots of, there's like a stereotype of the monster pastor's wife. Yeah, she's controlling and manipulative and rude. And it's like, well, why hasn't he dealt with that? How can he possibly handle the sins and holiness of a whole church? If he can't even handle the sin and holiness of this one woman that he's like supposedly, the head of. So it's a, if that's true, how much more, you know, if it's true for a, for the flock, how much more for a wife in your small flock at home? And I think that some of the things that keep husbands from doing this, let's talk about that. Some of the things that keep a husband from doing this, I think simple fear is one of them. Like, he's just being cowardly. But what else? Why, why might a husband not actually like follow through? go say, yep, this is a pattern. I know it's biblical. I know I have a verse. I could see a husband who has, like, long sin struggles himself easily feeling disqualified, too, maybe.

go say, yep, this is a pattern. I know it's biblical. I know I have a verse. I could see a husband who has, like, long sin struggles himself easily feeling disqualified, too, maybe. And that's why I think if you go back to standing on scripture, that's what's most motivating to do that. Yeah, yeah, because then you're not resting the moral authority for correcting your wife on you being perfect. No. You're actually resting it on. Like a good leader. A pastor shouldn't just be correcting the flock on things. He thinks he's mastered. He's always preaching himself too. Like he's always saying, thus saith the Lord, now let's together obey the Lord. Right? So that's definitely one of them. I do think one of the reasons why a husband might shrink back from doing this is because the last time he did it, his wife blew up and took it sinfully. Yeah, I was thinking about that too. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, and this is true in both directions. But ladies, if you're, if you don't pause when your husband says, hey, I think you need to think about this. If you don't pause and think it through and say, is this true of me? Do I really need to hear this? Let me evaluate myself and my actions in my heart. And instead, you just start going, yeah, well, you remember what you did yesterday or, well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that you're just reading the situation wrong. I didn't actually do that. I, you know, you misunderstood. If she just gets mad or if she just,

well, you remember what you did yesterday or, well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that you're just reading the situation wrong. I didn't actually do that. I, you know, you misunderstood. If she just gets mad or if she just, says, oh, okay, I guess, I'm just not good enough for you then, and storms out. Yeah, you can pretty much, again, you can pretty much know that if you are not able to communicate in a self-controlled way, you're flying off the handle and you're in sin already again. Yeah, and sometimes there is such thing as, you know, a wife who, like one way to evaluate this ladies is to say, when is the last time you gave an unqualified confession and apology? Yeah, that's true. Without, it was your fault, without following up. with something he did. When was the last time your husband told you to do something or disagreed with you? And you, instead of arguing, you just said, yes, my lord. Yeah, because that's the thing, too, is whether or not your husband's evaluation is correct. One, it's not going to help if you start fighting about it right then. And two, why can't you just be quiet and, like, take it to the Lord for a day or two? Yeah, and then revisit it later, again, under self-controlled circumstances. Yeah. Yeah. But there's nothing wrong. Like, you literally are just trying to defend yourself at that point. And it's kind of like, well, there's pride. Yeah. Self-defense, defensiveness. Where if you really disagree, if you've done that and you really disagree,

keep a head covering on. Yes. And I really like their volumizer bands that are velvet and they stick to your head. And I have had no issues. with them. So yeah, I really like them. And they're a sister-owned company. Yeah, Christian-owned, sister-owned, and they're all made in the USA. So a great company to support. We would commend you, husbands, if you're listening. Go check this out as a thoughtful gift for your wife, for your daughters. They have headwraps for ladies as well as little girls. And they've got a whole lot of different styles, a lot of different beautiful colors and really great quality company. So we're glad to have them as a sponsor for this episode of Brightheart. And you can support us by supporting them. So head over to garlands ofgrace.com. You can use the link in the description of this episode, and we hope that you'll give them your support. Let's say your husband said, I think that you've been, you know, like you've been giving me the cold shoulder the last week. And it's really, I'm frustrated with it. And, you know, and you evaluate and you say, let me think about that. And you think, no, I really wasn't. I was sick. I was having a hard week. There was a lot of duties before me. I was just distracted. I wasn't. sinfully trying to give my husband the cold shoulder. It's just that kind of weak. At the end of the day, what is it going to hurt if you just say, I'm, I'm sorry that I came across that way. I love you. I'm for you. Yeah. Let's do better next week. Yeah. There's, it's, what is it going to hurt other than

what is it going to hurt if you just say, I'm, I'm sorry that I came across that way. I love you. I'm for you. Yeah. Let's do better next week. Yeah. There's, it's, what is it going to hurt other than your pride? And you might feel, well, I'm just being a dormant. I'm lying. And it's like, no, you're not lying to say, I'm sorry that you felt that way. And if there's anything I did to cause it, I'm sorry and we'll try to do better next week. You're not lying. you're not lying, but you're being humble enough to admit that maybe your husband is actually right. And maybe you just don't see it. Maybe there really was. Or even if he's misreading it, it's not going to hurt to say, you know what? This, this week I'm going to try to be more warm. I'm going to try to focus and correct that. Obviously, you felt that way. Maybe you can explain to him. It was a hard week. I wasn't really trying to be rude to you. Yeah, and any normal husband. Yeah, reasonable husband. And I know there are unreasonable husbands. Trust me. I've, you know, trust me. Trust me. Trust me. There are unreasonable wives. Unreasonable husbands. They're usually married to each other. And they usually make each other less and less reasonable over time. And the only way to disrupt that cycle of unreasonableness and sin and flesh is like humility. To repent and humility. Like when Paul is talking about lawsuits before with believers, he says, don't sue a believer and take it to court before an unbelieving judge. it would be better for you to be wronged than to bring dishonor to Christ's name.

it would be better for you to be wronged than to bring dishonor to Christ's name. Sometimes the principle is, it's okay to think, I don't think that this person is 100% evaluating the situation correctly. But what I can do is I can say the Lord will protect, the Lord will bring ultimate justice. God did not try to give me what was fair in the gospel. He was merciful. He was merciful. He poured out grace upon grace in my life. And so I can, quote unquote, be wronged sometimes and feel like I'm being put out and not reach for the tools of the flesh and not sin. I think it's either Misty or maybe it was Pastor Wilson who said, like, the gospel is one of the biggest, would it be disparities when dealing with our sin? Like, it should cause us in some ways to have a levity towards our sin that we can laugh at it and just kind of be like, okay, whatever. Because what God gives us in the gospel. gospel is so much more than we deserve. And so I think sometimes because of that, when it comes to like me wanting to worry about defending my reputation to other people or... Yeah, even to your husband. Yeah, to your husband. I can kind of be like, it really doesn't matter because of everything that I have in Christ. The Lord knows all of my sin. He knows way worse stuff than this person thinks is true of me. Even if this specific thing is not 100% true, maybe there's misunderstanding in

person thinks is true of me. Even if this specific thing is not 100% true, maybe there's misunderstanding in there. It's like, look, look, the Lord knows all of my sin. He loves me nonetheless. Yeah. I can love my husband even through slight disagreement about the assessment of the situation. So when a husband is bringing correction to his wife, let's talk about some simple principles of how he can be that reasonable man instead of an unreasonable man. So, Lexi, as a wife, well-known wife, Lexi's a way. Just please stop referring to me. That's not. I know. I'm sorry. Great. You can hear we're in a very echo-y. We're recording in our living room because there's a two-year-old or three-year-old napping in our room right now. And so apologies if it's echoey. But anyway, well-known wife, Lexi. I'm just kidding. All right. I will stop. What are some principles that are helpful that a husband can know when he's coming to bring a concern or a correction to his wife. Okay. I would probably say if if you are a husband who is tempted towards being harsh and out of control with this, I would say you need to get your main points written down. Because if you can't solidify your concerns enough to get them written down,

I don't need to bring that up. I actually don't even need to bring this up. I just need to cover. this offense, whatever, or I'm wrong or whatever. Yeah, I think that's great advice. What, what else? Husband, bringing correction? What are some helpful principles? I already said what about like letting the word be the boundaries for you. Or good and necessary consequence from script. Yeah. I think one of the more helpful things for me where when there's, I don't even remember, there was something recently where I told you, I'm like, I just feel like this is a bad habit. And because I know it's a habit, like I'm confessing to you right now, it's a habit. I don't know. what the alternative is. And so I think sometimes, not in every case, but if you know your wife well enough or if she tells you in the moment, I have no idea, like, what respect looks like, maybe. Do you have like two or three practical positive examples you can say, instead of this way, I would like to see you pursuing this? Like this afternoon, when I got home from work, I saw that the kids were being disrespectful and naughty. And then instead of going, through what we agreed upon as our discipline process, you were arguing with them and being sarcastic back. And you're not to do that. This is why. Yeah. Because sometimes I'm just speaking as a wife here. So that could be a very real example in our home. It's not usually that I don't want to. A lot of the

back. And you're not to do that. This is why. Yeah. Because sometimes I'm just speaking as a wife here. So that could be a very real example in our home. It's not usually that I don't want to. A lot of the times it's like I am overwhelmed by the amount of work that's going on and I need a reminder that this is actually the most important thing. Yeah. Like giving permission. Correct. Like you can, look, let dinner be late. Correct. Let the laundry not get folded. The most important thing is this. Yes, correct. Yeah. So, so that can be helpful because I think, I think when a husband, obviously a wife has like, there's times when wife is just sinning because she's a sinner. But there's other times too that it's like the husband, maybe this is a principal to consider is like, what are her weaknesses in this circumstance? What there are, every single day of the month is a different bio. dynamic. Hormonal change, energy change. Different times of life. Yeah, lots of different things. So not, you're not taking that into consideration and then saying, well, I don't need to correct her because, man, she's just a little PMS-y today. But also consider like this could be something that's affecting her. Let me find out how to help her succeed in having victory over this sin. Yeah. And I think that's a good related principle to that is that this is true of anybody you're bringing correction to. Yeah. But especially your wife that you love.

Yeah. But especially your wife that you love. is giving her an opportunity to say, to explain. So saying, this is how I read the situation. Here's a positive example. And we obviously, most of the time, it's going to be stuff that both of you agree she shouldn't do. Right. Like you shouldn't argue and be sarcastic with the kids or whatever it is. Can you, this is what I saw. Is that what was happening? Was there something I'm missing? Yeah. Like giving her an opportunity to say, look, yes. And a lot of times what that will do is it will, in invite and make it easier to be humble to say, you know what, you're right? I was being sarcastic. Here's what was going on is that I was really overwhelmed. And they'd been naughty for three and a half straight hours. Yeah. And when you got home, it was like at a crescendo. And so yeah, I should have handled it differently, but I simply didn't know what to do. And then the husband can say, all right, here's what I'm going to do. Or, man, that, that is hard. Yeah. I totally understand. Like, yep. And let's work on that together. Yeah. There's just, if you, whenever you're bringing, we talked in the last, last episode about, well, Lexi, but me and Eric and Ben, we talked about a wise appeal, which is something Lexi says all the time, where you always want to bring especially hard things that someone's going to be hard for them to hear in a wise way. Yeah. And I think, obviously, when you're correcting anybody, you're concerned and you want their good. Like, you should be in a place where that's what you're seeking. But especially with a husband and a wife, because the wife's sin is the

where that's what you're seeking. But especially with a husband and a wife, because the wife's sin is the husband's responsibility. Yeah. And then if it's a wife, like you guys, talked about coming to a husband, her responsibility is also to help him succeed in a way that's different from every other person that you're walking in fellowship with. Yep. So you really, husbands really should be going into this thinking, I'm creating a game plan with her to get her out of this situation. Yep. Right? Am I? No, that's, okay. That's right. You're, you're, you're, that's another principle when you're correcting, when you're bringing correction is, you need to do a self-assessment. Am I bringing this for her good? Yeah. And it can be for your good, too. He who loves his wife, loves himself. Of course. It's for your good as well. But is your motivation primarily as the head, the well-being and welfare and righteousness and holiness and joy of the people you're leading? And not merely, she's not performing enough for me in the bedroom, or she's not doing this for me, or she's not serving me in this way. You really need to be talking about patterns of sin that, need correction. That's what we're talking about here. Not just like, here's some tips to manage this process of your day better or the home better. We're talking about actual correction here. I think related to some of what we've talked about in terms of principles as well, that unreasonable man, the way that he will bring an appeal

you're out. No, no, no. You might say the way that you behaved wasn't acceptable. And I think that you know that based on this principle we've established, I'm bringing a specific charge with an example. We've talked about it. We understand it. There's nothing I'm missing. It really did happen. It is okay for a husband to say, babe, you know, we both know that that's not acceptable. That's not, you can't do that. You need to apologize to the kids. You need to apologize to whoever it is and ask for forgiveness or, you know, whatever it is. You don't do this very often, but there are times when I've, I've thought how helpful it would be to just, like, say that in the moment, like, no, this isn't acceptable. Yeah, no. Because it's like a toddler running up against a wall. They like the comfort of that boundary. Yeah. Whether or not they actually think they do. In some ways, it's like, okay, it's easier to get a quick correction in the moment like that, I guess. Then to be like, hey, weeks of this has gone on and on and on, you need to figure this out. Yeah. And another principle is as much as possible in private. Yeah. So if it's like, let's give a real world example, you walk in the door, your wife is in a shouting match with one of the kids. And you don't know the whole situation. You can't read the situation properly. A husband should immediately step into, all right, I'm the head of this home. I'm responsible for all of these people. And so starting with the obvious one, I'm going to take the child and I'm going to say,

A husband should immediately step into, all right, I'm the head of this home. I'm responsible for all of these people. And so starting with the obvious one, I'm going to take the child and I'm going to say, go to your room. I'm going to be there to talk to you in two minutes and make sure they get there. And then say, honey, let's go talk. What happened? Okay, you hear what happened. And then you say, okay, that happened. That was hard. You were also shouting at the top of your voice at all of the children in the kitchen. And that's not appropriate. That's not how we correct the children. So what do we need to do right now. And often it's, okay, husband, I'm going to go correct the child that was in a shouting match. And then in a minute when everyone's calmed down, the wife needs to come and say, sorry, young man or young woman, I shouldn't have shouted at you. Do you forgive me? And hopefully the husband is leading and helping the kid to repent as well. And there's restored fellowship. So in that situation, the husband shouldn't immediately start slinging out corrections to his wife. Screaming over everybody. Because he's just going to, he's just going to undermine the whole thing. He's just going to essentially undercut her authority before the kids. You know, sometimes there's situations where you need to deal with things in order, but very rarely are you going to need to bring a correction before your wife in front of other people? Very, very rarely. I'm sure it can happen.

you need to deal with things in order, but very rarely are you going to need to bring a correction before your wife in front of other people? Very, very rarely. I'm sure it can happen. I know I'm trying to, I'm literally trying to think of times, like where it would be appropriate, but I'm... Well, like, if, a parent walks in and someone is, you know, just absolutely lost it. And they're just unreasonable and snot coming out. And, you know, they're yelling and screaming and not listening. And sometimes you need to be like, baby, you need to calm down right now. That is a correction. Okay, I see what you're saying. I guess I'm thinking more public outside of family is more what I'm thinking. But you're talking about in front of kids and stuff. Yeah, even rarer in front of other people. That's what I mean. Even rarer. I mean. I see what you're saying. Like, and those would probably come to issues of things like doctrinal. If a wife is speaking and she says something absolutely heretical, it would be okay for a husband to say, hang on, that's not actually true. And bring a correction. And why are you teaching doctrine? Why are you talking about the hybostatic? You know, it's like there are situations where it can be appropriate. But you know what I'm saying? But that's such a, that's a very specific. Yes, I've never seen it. Or like your husband is about to stab some. Your wife is about to stab somebody. Like obviously, you. You wouldn't say, well, I got to wait until it's in private. I'll let her finish the stabbing. And then no, no, you would not do that. Well, you wouldn't stab anybody, but also.

You wouldn't say, well, I got to wait until it's in private. I'll let her finish the stabbing. And then no, no, you would not do that. Well, you wouldn't stab anybody, but also. Okay, so I'm thinking, what about a husband that sees a wife that's really embittered towards somebody or gossiping about somebody specific? A husband who sees a wife who's really embittered and gossiping? Yeah, he needs to, he needs to recognize it as a sin. And he needs to bring correction. And of course, try to understand what's going on. there's hurt that needs to be addressed if there's, you know, but he does need to correct his wife and say, babe, you, it's what you're doing is called gossip. Yeah. And what you're doing is a, is a root of bitterness defiling many. Yeah. And so for your good, you need to correct that. And sometimes it's really hard, but sometimes it does require, correction requires a call to painful restitution. So in a situation of gossip, if a husband sees his wife and he, he knows she's been bitterly gossiping about another woman or someone else. Part of her duty is to correct the wrong that she has done and to go to the people she has gossiped too and say, I should not have said this, please forgive me. That was gossip. And sometimes when it's appropriate to tell the person, I gossiped, I was bitter about you. Sometimes because of the relationship, there's just schism and you're not able to talk to somebody. That does happen. But, you know,

too. When you're able to close it in your mind and say, I know what to do with this and my husband has given me instructions here, I'm free. I don't have to keep thinking about this. Yeah. So a husband needs to be able to bring strong leadership that can actually help in those situations. But if he's passive and unwilling to correct or bring actual pointed advice or even instruction, I think people bulk at that word, but I think the instruction is the most helpful part. It's the most helpful. For a husband is to instruct his wife on what she is to do in certain situations. And that sounds very patriarchal because it is. Like he's, that he's charged with leading and being the head of his home. And what that means is that sometimes you have to instruct the people that you're leading on what the game plan is for your home. So sometimes that really does mean a husband coming in. And maybe there's no sin to correct, but maybe it's just like he can see his wife really dealing with something. Sometimes he needs to think it through and say, I'm not giving advice. This is what you need to do. You need to stop worrying about this person. You're not to talk to them anymore. You're not going to have a friendship with them. And you don't need to worry about your duties. You've fulfilled your duties. It's time to move on. Sometimes this can happen in church settings, particularly for people in ministry or related. It happens to other types of situations as well. But I think particularly this happens a lot of ministry where, you know, sometimes you just have an issue with a family in the church. Maybe they leave the church and there's bitterness, but there was relationship. And

ministry where, you know, sometimes you just have an issue with a family in the church. Maybe they leave the church and there's bitterness, but there was relationship. And now it's complicated and the wife is just dealing with like, what do I do? Should I keep talking to this person? Do I keep correcting them when I see them, you know, talk about my church and husband on Instagram? And it's like sometimes a husband needs to step in and say, that's not your responsibility anymore. They will answer to the Lord. You need to unfollow them on Instagram. You need to stop thinking about them. If they come to mind, pray for them and move on. Like, it's very helpful for a husband to do that for a wife in the, in complicated and emotional situation. I think it's totally okay too. If a husband is realizing a certain person in the wife's life is either an outlet for discouragement or gossip or bitterness to say you're not allowed to talk to that person about that topic anymore. Yeah. Not not saying like, hey, friendship over, but like, please do not pick that scab with that person. And if it comes up and they try to bring it up, just say, you know, my husband told me, I'm, I'm not allowed to talk about this anymore. Yeah. It might be awkward, but it's true. Like, this is what leadership looks like. But it's a protection, too, on, on you as a wife to not be sinning. Absolutely. And it gives her, one thing it does is it gives the wife freedom, because if her husband is wrong, she can actually then say before the Lord,

too, on, on you as a wife to not be sinning. Absolutely. And it gives her, one thing it does is it gives the wife freedom, because if her husband is wrong, she can actually then say before the Lord, Lord, you told me to submit to this man. He wasn't telling me to sin. I think maybe he's not 100% right on this, but he's told me what to do. You've told me to submit to him. And he's responsible. responsible for that. And it can give you cover where he can then handle the repercussions or the consequences and say, and it's waiting for a husband to think, I'm going to answer to the Lord, to the Lord for those calls and for my leadership and my home. Yeah. But better to make the call than to force your, you know, subordinates. And I mean people under your charge to be making the calls that you should be making sometimes. Yeah, I think there's been some issues that you and I, not issues, not bad things. We've been troubleshooting some areas of our family life, I guess you could say. And I don't know if either of us have 100% known what the solution has been, but I keep thinking in my head, like, God hasn't promised to work through X, Y, or Z, but he has promised to work through submission. And so I keep thinking like, okay, it's not about me having the right answer or him having the right answer, but I do trust that God works through submission. And I think sometimes wives need to remember

And so I keep thinking like, okay, it's not about me having the right answer or him having the right answer, but I do trust that God works through submission. And I think sometimes wives need to remember that. Like, it's not always about intellect or the most researched solution. The Lord has promised you to work through your submission to your husband. Let's give an example. So, well, okay. So the first time I heard this was a pastor's wife, oh gosh, this is so funny to think about now because I'm like, well, you're totally disqualified. It was a pastor's wife of a lead church who had a child who was addicted to drugs and had been addicted for years. And I think the wife kept saying, like, you need to do more, you need to do more, you need to do more, you need to do more, you're being too passive with her. And the husband had said, like, no, I'm going to keep pouring love on. I'm going to, you know, ultimately, I have that time in her life. I don't know now. Ultimately, ultimately, she repented. But I remember the wife saying, like, she was on a walk with him when that conversation happened. And the Lord and Lord just told her, like, I'm not choosing to work through an intellectual solution. I'm choosing to work through your submission in this. And it was shortly thereafter that their daughter did repent. And so that has always stuck out to me when it comes to lots of different areas. Yeah, you might even take something like a health decision in the home where the wife has researched and she's really convinced about something,

example. But it really is the case, ladies, that the more important thing, the thing where you're entrusting your health and your family's health, to the Lord, in saying, I'm going to submit to my husband on this. Now, of course, there could be situations where if your husband demands that every day you cook the children, only TV dinners. Like, there could be ridiculous, unreasonable things. And I understand then that there are situations where, yeah, talk to your pastor, get advice. but generally speaking, submit to your husband. It will go well with you. The Lord will bless you. He said he'll work through that channel. So give it a shot. Give it a shot. So last, last thing that I would want to, I think that I think is relevant to this topic is, what should a husband do when his wife is uncorrectable, when she will never admit fault, when she will just not listen? What do you think? And I have thoughts about. I'm curious. I haven't asked you this before. What do you think? Like, how can a... I have two thoughts. Okay. If you have wise elders in your church and they're willing to do some counseling, they will or will not pick up on it. So they will either validate the husband's concerns or say, you know, maybe you're being a little... You're being a drama queen. She's not uncorrectable. She's many times. Yeah.

pick up on it. So they will either validate the husband's concerns or say, you know, maybe you're being a little... You're being a drama queen. She's not uncorrectable. She's many times. Yeah. You're just... I think it's also okay. I don't know. Maybe you should speak to this a little bit more. Yeah. If there is a trusted woman in the church that you feel could also assess the situation, that may be helpful from a Titus II perspective. Yeah. I think that is probably a little less common, though. Yeah. Maybe. The two directions that I'm, that I think of in this situation is that a husband should understand that it is within his duties to bring his wife to the, the elders. 100%. Correct. Yes. If he believes that she's beyond correction, he shouldn't fly off the handle. He shouldn't start trying to sin his way out of it. He should continue being patient and long-suffering, and gentle and kind. It might actually be better to recruit the help earlier rather than later when more damage is already done. Yeah. And then he should calmly, with specific examples, privately talk to his pastor and say, this is the situation. Pastor so-and-so, I think that I'm not being emotional here. I think I'm being reasonable in my assessment. And I really think that my wife is sinning in being

this is the situation. Pastor so-and-so, I think that I'm not being emotional here. I think I'm being reasonable in my assessment. And I really think that my wife is sinning in being uncorrectable. So I want to clarify, you mean it's possible that a husband could just go to the elders without the wife in order to receive counsel to. If he's, and I'm saying that as a first, like, and then your elders will know you better than a podcast. And so they can say, you know what, I know your wife, I've seen you guys. This is what I think next steps are. Maybe we need to do some counseling, maybe I'm going to give you some things to try for the next month before that. And then really do them. Like a lot of the time, people will get counsel from a pastor and literally just not do it. And it's like you're wasting your own time and you're wasting your pastor's time. So that's the first thing. Also, too, I think of like, when I think of counseling people, the ones that it's often recurrent, this isn't the case across the board, but sometimes the ones that it's often recurrent, they refuse to get involved in. other ways. So they don't realize, they, I think a lot of times women can feel isolated, like my husband's getting up on me. But in reality, it's like, no, no, no, all of our husbands are doing this. And if you would just get into fellowship with us, you would see, this is how marriage works in the Christian church. Yeah. This isn't your husband being mean to you. And I think it helps

this. And if you would just get into fellowship with us, you would see, this is how marriage works in the Christian church. Yeah. This isn't your husband being mean to you. And I think it helps normalize some of that sanctification of community. So maybe a husband also needs to make sure, am I doing everything I can to be getting my wife in those means of graces in the church? Yeah, like, am I leading her to good pastures and saying, are we just, like, in and out on Sunday real quick, don't know anybody, aren't participating? I haven't really given my wife, like, I haven't put her in front of situations where she can make godly friendships and see how a wife should treat her husband. I do think that there is a, the older woman is important, like you said. It can be rare. But Titus too really does say, Paul says to Titus, tell the older women. When you're, when you're planting churches instruct the pastors to develop this kind of pattern in the church where the older women would know that they have a freedom and a duty to teach the younger women to be workers at home, to be lovers of their husband and children so the word of God won't be reviled. And what that means is that older women in the Lord, and sometimes this might be a 32-year-old, wise woman, or it might be a 50-year-old. It's talking about mature, mature women in the Lord. Do have permission and ought to, because Galatian 6-1 says they do, to take a sister aside, ladies, if you see a woman repeatedly

And your husband is going to wither if you continue treating them like that in public. And a lot of the time, women will, instead of that, what they will do is they will go talk to three of their friends about Susie. And how did you see how she kept rolling her eyes? Yeah. Wow, that was really bad. I hope I don't do that. No, you need to privately go. It says, if anyone's caught a trespass, you are spiritual, restore such one in a spirit of gentleness. So do that. When your women's ministry is set up to teach women how to be domestic, how to be lovers of husband and children, this will not be abnormal already. So, but there is a difference when it's like, hey, you're the Bible teacher that teaches me expositional teaching. Who are you to be giving me advice now on how I treat my husband? It's like, no, no, no. That should be her realm of authority already. Like, we get this women's ministry thing so wrong. Yeah. That when someone actually tries to act like a Titus two woman, someone's like, Who are you? People even, ladies will even be like, oh, yeah, Titus 2 is mainly about older women teaching the women's systematic theology. You're like, that's just simply not what the passage is about. No. The passage is not about establishing a quasi-female, a female, a female quasi-eltership that is in charge of the doctrinal instruction of the ladies of the church. The elders are in charge of the doctrinal instruction of the women of the church and the men. And the older women are given specific instructions, and they are related.

Who are you? People even, ladies will even be like, oh, yeah, Titus 2 is mainly about older women teaching the women's systematic theology. You're like, that's just simply not what the passage is about. No. The passage is not about establishing a quasi-female, a female, a female quasi-eltership that is in charge of the doctrinal instruction of the ladies of the church. The elders are in charge of the doctrinal instruction of the women of the church and the men. And the older women are given specific instructions, and they are related. to the ethical conduct of the younger women as it relates to their home, their husband, their children. And it just brings more clout to when the woman is saying what she is saying. I can think of like one or two examples where I knew from the get-go. I'm like, I know the wife is, I know her, she's going to submit to her husband already. She wanted a second opinion. I told her submit to her husband. But it was like the topic was modesty. I was simply reinforcing. what was coming from the pulpit and what was coming from women's ministry and what was coming from her husband. So it was not weird for me to say, no, listen to him. Yeah, throw that outfit away if your husband says. Yeah. And just way to, there are exceptions to submitting to your husband. But way too often, ladies think that everything is an exception. Or they can reason their way to thinking, maybe this is an exception. It's almost always not.

Or they can reason their way to thinking, maybe this is an exception. It's almost always not. And that's just the simple reality. Unless he is in situations where he's commanding you to sin, or it's to the point where you really do need to involve the elders and ask for help. And you should do that if that's the case. But most of the time it's like, you know what? I just think he's wrong about this. I don't think he understands. I don't think he's read as many books as me. I think I'm actually smarter than him. I don't know. Like he just, he's not really wired this way and I am. And so I don't really need to submit to him. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. You still do. You absolutely still do. God says so. Submission is specifically for moments like that. Exactly. That's when it's important. So summing it up, yes, a husband does have the authority and often the duty to gently, biblically, lovingly correct his wife. He used to do so in a self-controlled way, treating her gently as the weaker vessel. She should be humble, hear him out with an attitude of readiness to submit to his leadership. And they need to be ready to involve the elders privately. If they need help in navigating, this instead of adjudicating it through gossip and other forms of sin. Any last thoughts on this before we wrap it up? I don't think so. Well, thanks for listening. We hope that the Lord has given you a good start to the year of our Lord 2023. And thanks, as always, for listening. Thanks so many of you for supporting

Well, thanks for listening. We hope that the Lord has given you a good start to the year of our Lord 2023. And thanks, as always, for listening. Thanks so many of you for supporting Garlands of Grace, our sponsor for this season. I know I've seen lots of pictures of some pretty beautiful garlands of Grace head coverings that husbands of mother wives or daughters because of the show. So keep doing that. That helps us continue to make this content here. And another way that you can not only support the show, but also get access to a lot of what we hope is very helpful, sometimes granular, or very practical resources, is to join our Patreon page and become a patron. We have a special podcast called In the Kitchen that we produce just for patrons there, as well as some free, like Feed the Patriarchy mug, for example, if you sign up at certain tiers of monthly support there. So thanks to all of our patrons as well. And if you'd like to jump on, there's a link in the description for that. But until next time, may the Lord bless you and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you in your households and bear much fruit there through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. And we'll see you next time on Brightheart.