The Woman as Helper—& Why Everyone is Trying to Steal Her Help

which is helper. In the beginning, God created the woman to be a suitable helper for her husband, Genesis 218. This pattern repeats and echoes on down through the scriptures. as the daughters of Eve help their husbands, continuing through the New Testament as well, where Paul urges the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and children, to work hard in their homes, and to be submissive to their own husbands. Without this good work in homes across the world and through the generations, not only is the word of God reviled, Titus 2.5, but civilization itself cannot be. And yet we've been catechized by our foolish culture to view the homeward-focused woman as something of a waste. But imagine what she could have accomplished. She must be unfulfilled stuck there at home, bored out of her wits. Why would you imprison women like this and rob them of their great potential? But it turns out that what that potential always ends up meaning is the potential to go be the helper of someone else. And in a turn of events that would almost be funny were it not so damaging to the world, when you pull a woman out of the home and away from her vital vocation of helping her husband, raising her children, and building community, down the generations. She tends to gravitate to the corporatized and industrialized versions of these same things. She teaches school at a vastly disproportionate rate compared to men, tending to the children of others. She goes to the hospital, serving as a nurse and

of these same things. She teaches school at a vastly disproportionate rate compared to men, tending to the children of others. She goes to the hospital, serving as a nurse and tending to the sick of a thousand households. She enters the office administrative world at, again, a vastly disproportionate rate compared to men, most often a role that requires her to assist and help some male-dominated leadership team. She goes into social work, mothering communities of dysfunctional families. Again and again, nature breaks through. Creational norms, set by God, can't be bound forever. Even in our rebellion, we faintly echo God's design. It turns out, everyone wants her to be their helper. She was made for this. And so in this episode of Brightheart, we'll talk about this central vocation of the woman, what it means, why it matters and what other vocations flow from it in her life. One thing we'll find? We'll find that her vocation is no tiny prison cell. No, it's a whole world of glory and hard good work. As G.K. Chesterton wrote, how can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the rule of three and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone. No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is

the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone. No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task. I will never pity her for its smallness. Welcome back to Brightheart, everybody. Brian and Lexi are here to talk about being helper. Why didn't you do it in your, your accent? My Transylvania accent. I probably already sound enough like I have an accent with a head cold, so. Well, but you've sounded. It was pretty authentic. Let me check the weather app here with my eyeballs. It is hailing. Whoa. It's cozy in here and I heard it all of a sudden like sitting under the chicken lamp. We're watching the hail come down in our little tiny forest and we're bright-hearting. It's good to be here, Lexi. Feeling a little under the weather? I feel better today actually because I worked out enough sitting and trying to recover and it's time to act like you're recovering. That usually works better to be honest. Get those endorphins going. That's right. But I was going to say, I was listening to you read that. And I immediately thought, Oh, this reminds me of that good Chesterton quote. And then you quoted it. Let's go. It's great. One flash. We're locked in. Didn't plan that. Yeah, there's another one too where

Let's go. It's great. One flash. We're locked in. Didn't plan that. Yeah, there's another one too where he talks about this same dynamic that is probably more commonly heard. But I think fewer people know about this quote. Yeah. I actually talked about it at the reading group recently because we were talking about the difference between generalists and specialists. Yes. And having range and how that's a good thing. But Dorothy Sayers has a similar quote too on how because when men, when women left the home to try to become men, then men all the sudden started to monopolize these things that women were really good at in the home, like jellies and like all these domestic skills that men just came in and dominated because they're men. But it used to be a women's only sphere. But we lost that because we decided to leave that. Yep. To try to be, you know. There's another book that I know Eric was reading for his book on the Longhouse that he's working on. And it was pointing out how when women left the home, they go out into the workforce and they kind of, they ended up feminizing the whole workplace. Because once women go into a male space, just like when men go into a woman's space, it completely changed. is it. It doesn't just keep functioning by the same rules it did five minutes earlier. It slowly transforms into something totally different. Yeah. And this is why, you know,

with the woman being a helper in her home. Because we'll talk, there's many vocations that are rolled up in this. She helps him in the sense that, like literally in Genesis, one of the problems is that there will be no more people if it's just Adam for obvious reasons. And so God, says it was not good for him to be alone. I will make an easer connectue. I'll make a helper that is suitable for him. And so part of it is literally having, like there will be no more people if she doesn't help him. So it's mothering. But beyond that, her role as helper is this, she is to be everything to this small group of people, to her husband, to her children, to her grandchildren. And yeah, she's, she's many things to other people, but she's everything to those people. They're in the middle of the house. And I just thought that was such a classic, classically Chestertonian good way of putting something. Yeah, so good. And you see it with little kids. Like mom is everything. You should read that quote to some of our male children. Explain what you mean. Well, you were trying to explain to them recently about why mothers need to be generalists. And that's a good thing that they're not just good at one thing. Yeah. And they weren't really buying it. What makes you, what were they saying? I, I don't actually remember because it was a conversation with you that I walked in on halfway. And they were like, yeah, see, mom, you're not very good at

What makes you, what were they saying? I, I don't actually remember because it was a conversation with you that I walked in on halfway. And they were like, yeah, see, mom, you're not very good at XYZ. And I, I was not offended. I was like, yeah, it's because I'm doing X, Y, Z, A, B, C, D, C, D. A, G, H, like I'm like, I don't care that I'm not that I'm not that good at that. And they, as a man, as a young man, they were like, wait, why are you not offended by this? You should want to dominate. I'm like, no, that's not what a mother is called to, though. Yes. They have these, like, little, they're still fairly one dimensional. Yes. because they're young men and they don't yet have much range. So they're just locked into this nature created mode of being a boy. And to the, to the male mind, it's like, whatever is the worthiest thing to figure out, I'm going to figure it out. And I'm going to do just that until I am the greatest at it. And nothing else matters and exists until I am. And there's actually, there's a, there's some teaching that needs to happen, but with the grain of that because it's a good male tendency. It needs to be shaped and directed. And they need to learn like there isn't just one thing, though, at the end of the day. You really do have to do other things. And it's not all just about being the best. It's about loving people and accomplishing things that are good for your people and not just yourself and your own glory. But they're acting like little boy, like they're acting like young men. And they, because of that, they have no category. No. They don't get a woman at all.

acting like little boy, like they're acting like young men. And they, because of that, they have no category. No. They don't get a woman at all. Yeah. They just think that I'm me. Everybody else must be like me. Mom must be basically like me, but she kind of sucks. Yeah. That's true. That's true. That's a funny way to, to put it. So I was gently explaining to them that they were idiots. I was actually when I was making those cookies this weekend when you took some of the kids to the park and I, and Winnie stayed to help me make the royal icing. We were watching some videos about it. And she was asking me who the lady was asking me, who the lady was. And I said something about her being a professional. And she said, what's a professional? And I tried to explain it to her by saying the word amateur. And she said, well, what's an amateur? I was like, I'm an amateur. I'm doing it because I love it. She's doing it because she's paid to do it. She might love it too. She was like, oh, I don't know, she got it. But there is something to that as well as like being an amateur is a better. Yeah. In my opinion, we want to be amateurs because we're doing it for the love of the thing. So. Yeah. And because there are people to serve and there's all these other things to do. And you're not going to industrialize royal icing of cookies to the scale of, you know, a giant factory. You're making them for the dinner table and for Sabbath dinner.

there's all these other things to do. And you're not going to industrialize royal icing of cookies to the scale of, you know, a giant factory. You're making them for the dinner table and for Sabbath dinner. They're not for the whole world. They're for these. They're not to be everything or someone there. Or something, something to everyone there to be everyone to someone. There you go. And it's funny because he says, the same thing to everyone. And that's such a good way of putting it because work, the workplace, in an industrialized world, it really is much of the time doing the same thing over a note. Like you have one task in this giant chain of people who are all working together to accomplish something. None of them could do by themselves. There's pluses and minuses to that. But it really is a lot of sameness. Resistance Candles is a family-owned candle company that wants to inspire the spirit of 1776. They make candles with that are full of depth and warmth, and they're made with clean ingredients, which means no soy and no GMOs. Resistance candles offer experiences that harken back to the time of the American Revolution, like their scent titled Liberty or Death, which has notes of cinnamon and spices, deep amber, and weathered wood. Go to resistance candles.com, and if you buy one or more candle, you get a free candle on us. Just use code hearth in all caps. Wives, you know your husband would fight for your family without hesitation. But

Generational health starts long before birth. That's why Rebecca at Live Oak Integrative Health takes a functional medicine approach, combining nurse-driven coaching, personalized testing, and practical, data-based care to help women restore balance in hormones, gut health, fertility, and weight. Plus, she can do all of that remotely via telemedicine. Visit LiveOakintegrativehealth.com slash hearth to book your discovery call today. Listeners of the show will receive a special rate. But the woman, my dad and I were talking about this yesterday when he was over, there's no sameness. It is 7,000 things per day. And they're all different. And there are sameness to the series of days and like the laundry always must be done and people always must be fed. But even in the task of something like making dinner, the task is making dinner, but you can never do it the same way twice, it's not because you can't make the same dish twice, but because you will never have the same toddler interruptions twice and the same dirty diapers in the middle of it. There's variety that's good and built in to the design of the vocation. Yes. So it is very much variegated. It's challenging because of that. It requires a certain type of patience and a certain type of mind to go about. And praise God, God fitted. the woman for this task, just as he fitted the man for his task.

It requires a certain type of patience and a certain type of mind to go about. And praise God, God fitted. the woman for this task, just as he fitted the man for his task. They're both fit in their nature for this, which is why we're not arbitrary when we say that a husband is the head of his wife and he has a kind of rule in his home that's to be ordered by love to the good of the people he's ruling. And the wife is made to be a helper in her home. And so she's fitted for that task in her nature to help and assist and carry out and et cetera. So that's what we're going to be talking. about today in this episode, this primary vocation of the woman in being a helper and God's norming of the world in making the world like this. As always, if you like what we do here at Brightheart and if it's helped you in your family, you want to help keep this thing going, then we would invite you to consider becoming a monthly patron. As we always remind you, you might not know this, but a lot of hands touch every single episode of this show. And we hope that it's helpful to you. And if it is, and if it is, and you want to chip in, you can chip in a few. a month and help keep this thing going on our Patreon channel. Just as a thank you, we do to our supporters. We do a little show called In the Kitchen. Every week that comes out with the, the episodes come out early and ad free there on Patreon and then also in The Kitchen always drops the next day

supporters. We do a little show called In the Kitchen. Every week that comes out with the, the episodes come out early and ad free there on Patreon and then also in The Kitchen always drops the next day after the episode releases. So the episode releases early in ad free the Monday before and then the fall the next day, the Tuesday, the in the kitchen comes out. And this week's in the kitchen that will go along with this episode is going to be on the art of learning to say no when saying no to something is the only way to say yes to being your husband's helper or to being your children's everything or to being all of that in the home. There's a lot of noes that come with that. So Lexi's going to talk a little bit about the art and science of saying no so that you can say yes. And if you want to support the show. You can check that out. Well, it's already out by the time this episode comes out. There on that channel. But that said, let's go back to the garden here at the beginning and just talk about this primary vocation a little bit more, define it a little bit. Why, Lexi, when you think about helper there in Genesis 218, do you agree? Is that a good central definition of the primary vocation of the woman, particularly the woman? I actually think it is in before her marriage to her husband too. She's also helping her father

definition of the primary vocation of the woman, particularly the woman? I actually think it is in before her marriage to her husband too. She's also helping her father and helping her mother there. Why is that a good description? Is there any aspect of it that you think might need clarification for people to understand what we mean by it or what the scriptures mean by it and don't mean by it? When you think of that phrase helper, what comes to mind as the central defining characteristics of that task and that vocation and duty? When I think of it, I think that she is to help him with his mission, not her mission and not her being the mission. So that defines her duties pretty quickly. What I think the world thinks when they hear that is, oh, she has no opinions. She's a robot. Yeah. And because she's a robot, it must not take brains to do this. I think you're right. Because she doesn't think she can't cross him in her opinions. She doesn't have a voice. So those are the two opposite ends of the spectrum that I think of. What was the first one? That she is a helper in his mission. And she's not the mission. She's not the mission. And she doesn't get to define what the mission is. What do you mean by that? And why do you think women need to be reminded of that?

being a plumber, having four kids that need to be homeschooled. And so her taking her time away from homeschooling the kids to start a side gig might not actually be fulfilling the mission at all. Whether or not he has clearly communicated that to her, that's not what I mean. But I think it's important because they're going to fill that vacuum of helping with some sort of a job. So either the husband has to clearly give that to her with some clear boundaries, she's going to go do it somewhere else. Or if she isn't, I don't want to say lacking in self-motivation. Some people aren't as like entrepreneurial type high capacity as other people are. And so what might happen in that situation is then it's like, okay, so I am home. I am homeschooling. I am working really hard. But also my job, your job should be to, because I'm working so hard in the home, that means all of your home time should be about me. It means we should be luxury hopping from one thing to another that mom wants to do because mom being able to maintain enough energy, sleep, creativity, whatever she wants to fulfill the mission of homeschooling the kids becomes the sole thing, almost as if her being responsible to fulfill her duty as a helper isn't actually her responsibility. It's dependent upon the husband meeting her needs. Okay. Does that mean?

Does that mean? makes sense? Yeah, it sounds like you're saying there's a few different places where this can go wrong. Yeah, it can get warped. One of them is, we actually talked about this in the last episode, the husband not ruling well over his wife. And this sounds so archaic, but it is so essential. There's a chapter in the book I'm writing right now on how to love your wife that I hope you brightheartth listeners will enjoy and it'll be helpful to you. On mission and vision and agency and headship. There's actually a whole section of chapters on just headship. And it's funny that our world hears headship and rule as like this dominating, rude kind of meany head thing. But it's actually deeply unkind to a man's wife if he won't rule. Yeah. Because one of the modes you're pointing at is that if he doesn't actually tell her, what are you supposed to be doing? What is it? Okay, I'm that plumber and we've got these four kids. If he doesn't actually sit down and routinely reminder and define and say, this is what it means to help and this is what we're aiming for in our home. And like here, here's the target I'm trying to hit. I really need you to do this. I need you to become great at this. I need this to be your thing. And you'd love doing this and pour into doing this. If he doesn't really

And like here, here's the target I'm trying to hit. I really need you to do this. I need you to become great at this. I need this to be your thing. And you'd love doing this and pour into doing this. If he doesn't really define that, then there's a sense in which she can veer from being his helper just because she's like an employee of a boss who never told his employee what to do. Yeah. And so she's going to come up with stuff to do and she's going to try to figure. She'll probably figure out a lot of it. But not everything. But there's another way that you're pointing at, which is kind of more of an insubordinate or rebellious. Like I'm dissatisfied with the work I really do know I should be doing. It really is my task. Like accedia. It's sloth. Yeah, like that what that book we mentioned last time. Yeah. And the other thing too, like the husband doesn't get to go to his job and then come home and push off a whole bunch of stuff on the wife. Like, hey, you got to finish this presentation for me. You've got to figure out how to run the numbers, crunch the numbers for the boss tomorrow morning for me because I just, I didn't have time to get to it. I'm really tired. I need to go use my red light for a little bit. The wife likewise should be mature and responsible enough to not need those things all the time.

for a little bit. The wife likewise should be mature and responsible enough to not need those things all the time. And that's essentially what you're doing. If you're like, I have to have X, Y Z. I have to have this for self-care. I have to have this for replenishing. This is different guys. Please know that I'm saying this is different from like normal Sabbath type rhythms, but where you're in some ways, you're still pushing off your work on your husband because you're just not able to get it together enough. Yeah. If you're basically saying, you know, some 40% of the chores. I'm not fit to be a helper. That's what you're saying. 40% of chores are still his or he gets home and it's like, oh man, well, now I'm off the clock and I'm going to go. Yep. And a lot of women have this resentment toward their husbands because they actually are trying to make their husband their helper. Yes, exactly. You're not fit to help so you want him to do it because there has to be someone in the marriage doing it. Yeah. And just recognizing that both vocations, the man's and the women's come with unique difficulties, challenges that the other person will never shoulder. Yeah.

her vocation. But then she instead of, but he doesn't resent her and think like, oh man, no idea what it's like to bear the weight of responsibility for 200 employees or to have to deal with whatever the worst part of your job is that you hate. He doesn't resent her for that. And she shouldn't resent him. She should honor him and think there's aspects of his work that are really hard and I don't have to bear those and I'm thankful that I, you know, if you're the woman whose husband works hard and you get to be home with the children and work really hard at, homeschooling or keeping the home and raising these little people and feeding them and maintaining all these different things. And it's a lot of work. But there should be an honoring there where you, you think, I'm honored to be his helper in this. We're doing something great together. And we both need each other and we're, we're both on the same team. It's when you start doing the envy thing. Envy never does anything good. Yep. Nobody has ever gotten better by envyinginging. It's unproductive. It's just unproductive. People have gotten better. Now, there's a fine line. People have gotten better by looking at somebody who has something they don't and not envying them, but imitating them, certainly. Yeah, that's like a form of holy ambition, I would. Absolutely. Like a, oh, her house is so orderly and mine is so chaotic. Instead of envying and just going, I should have that. She shouldn't going, what is she doing differently than me?

Absolutely. Like a, oh, her house is so orderly and mine is so chaotic. Instead of envying and just going, I should have that. She shouldn't going, what is she doing differently than me? And then learning and growing and working really hard and a man can do the same thing. That's not envy. Envy's never helped anybody. Envy is certain. one of the lurking serpents in the home. And I think in a very particular, particularly strong way for the woman in her job because of her position and what it comes with and all the difficulties of it and some of the realities of it. So I like that. I think that's helpful. You talked about kind of both ends of where we can go off the reservation with helper. What are some of the other vocation like getting specific, we've talked about several of them that attend the vocation of helper that come with it. So like, what does it entail? I might be missing some of what you have in mind, but I would say wife is definitely up there in priority. Mothering could be educator could fall under this. If a husband has children, it's your primary, like he's entrusting you to educate them somehow. Yeah, to be deeply involved. Yeah. For at a minimum. Yeah. Homemaker would, in my mind, be a subcategory of this vocation

educate them somehow. Yeah, to be deeply involved. Yeah. For at a minimum. Yeah. Homemaker would, in my mind, be a subcategory of this vocation because you're wanting it to be a place of rest that he can come back to so he can have clean clothes and food. Am I forgetting some that you're thinking? You mentioned when we were talking about this yesterday, like being a trusted counselor. Yeah. That's true. The Proverbs 31 woman. It talks about her people how their heart trusts in her. Yeah. His heart trusts in her. And I think this is a really important vocation to understand. She used to be a lady of wisdom. Wisdom is personified as a woman. A lot of husbands get the mistaken idea that because they are the head and they are responsible for teaching instruction, correction, many things in their home. And because she's instructed to ask him like, you know, if you have a question in church, ask your husband at home. And so he has this ordered relationship. Sometimes men can confuse this for, I have to always. tell my wife everything and I can never receive information, wisdom or anything or even counsel from her. And that is actually foolish. A good husband with a good, godly, wise wife. He actually wants to hear from his wife. In the same way, I think about ordering

even counsel from her. And that is actually foolish. A good husband with a good, godly, wise wife. He actually wants to hear from his wife. In the same way, I think about ordering New Christenum Press. There are employees at New Christenum Press that work for me. And I genuinely am in charge of them and responsible for them in a way that they are not in charge of me and responsible for me. Like, I'm responsible to pay them. And there's a lot of things that I have to do that they don't have to do. But that doesn't mean because of that, that I never ask, want their input on stuff. Like there are in the key areas where each of these men work, I'm like, hey, can Martin, what do you think about this? And I ask that because I know my heart, my trust is in Martin. I know he's great at these things. And he's going to give me good advice. And then I still have a duty and a responsibility to charge sometimes to take that information and say, let's do what you just said. And sometimes say, you know what, not exactly that or not now. It's similar with a husband to a wife. I really am not just walking into the home all the time and saying, do this, do this, do this, do this, do this, do this, do that. I'm saying we have to accomplish this together. How are we going to do this? And then Lexi is going to have

This is what she does all day. This is her. She's ordering this world. I'm ruling and she's ordering and helping and assimilating and my deputy and all these things. A lot of the time, I literally, I'm trying to just say, permission. And I think ladies have to recover and understanding that there is a genuine category out there for women that are just silly and they're not counselors in this way. So if you, if you are like, man, I really am foolish. And all I do is sit and text my friends back and forth. my one baby that I have hasn't been outside in six months and, you know, like that sort of a thing. This is a vocation in the sense that it is a calling from the Lord with attendant duties to it, which means you need to be in scripture and you need to be reading stuff that's equipping you to be somebody who has riches in their heart that can be shared in overflow to your husband and children. We were talking about this in my book group a couple weeks ago. This idea came from the Scolet every day. day book of like mothers who just give up who are like I am too busy to read the diapers and laundry and food. It's just too much. I can't do it. What happens is their family outpaces them very quickly. So when their children are 12, 13, 14 coming to them asking questions, they, they don't have riches in their heart anymore to give out because beauty, truth goodness and beauty is something,

riches in their heart anymore to give out because beauty, truth goodness and beauty is something, understand this guys. It must be maintained. It requires content. It requires constant. Constant maintenance and work physically, emotionally, spiritually. If you want something to be beautiful, you have to maintain it. So you can't just assume that because life is hard, I can check out for the next 10 years because guess what? That's going to be gone. Not that you can't try to recultivate it. It's going to be a lot harder, though. And so I think some ladies just are like, it's just too hard. I cannot do this. It's unreasonable for you to expect me to as well. What we're dealing with in that situation is a silly woman that doesn't actually take the calling seriously enough. Yeah. And her husband's, Proverbs 3111 can't be said of her. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. The reason that his heart doesn't trust in her is because he will have a lack of gain if he does. Yes. So you don't want to be the woman who in her central vocation, whether it's because you've given up that central vocation to go pursue and put all of your zeal and your strength into some other vocation. And maybe you're doing really good there. And then slowly you lose interest in the home because nobody loves and praises you and nobody gives you honor there because the reality is you're putting 10% of your effort there and not your best. And you're putting 90%

interest in the home because nobody loves and praises you and nobody gives you honor there because the reality is you're putting 10% of your effort there and not your best. And you're putting 90% of it elsewhere. And you're doing really good there maybe. And this could be anything for being an online influencer, Instagram influencer, to going and working a corporate job. Something I've seen a lot, just being honest with the people I interact. with. It's just too much friendship out of the house. It's too much sitting in coffee shops, drinking coffee together and not spending the first part of your day getting dinner on the table for your husband. If you're, yeah, if your excellence isn't being poured in the center. Yep. Then even good things can become reasons that your husband's heart doesn't trust in you. Yeah. Because he, it's, it's a, I keep using employee relationship because it's, I'm a man. But it is like the employee that you go, well, he's really good at these, 15 other things, but they're none of the things I hired him to do. And they don't enrich the company at all. They just enrich him, which is good for him. If he was doing a great job, that wouldn't bother me at all. But he's putting 30% lackluster effort into this central thing that he's really supposed to be growing and treating like his total responsibility. And he's not. A wife can be like that too if she fails to see. And this is like really, if there's one thing in this episode you get, ladies, it's that this is your central vocation from God, meaning the central thing God calls you to do

if she fails to see. And this is like really, if there's one thing in this episode you get, ladies, it's that this is your central vocation from God, meaning the central thing God calls you to do is to be a helper to your husband. And that means a homemaker at home, mothering, being a wife, growing in wisdom and zeal, pouring yourself out there, basically looking at all of those aspects, motherhood, being a wife, home, and asking, what would the best wife in the world be like? Yeah. What would the best mother in the world be like? And just, I mean, I can remember being. younger and just being wrapped up in. But who's going to meet my needs? I didn't sleep the last six months. Who's going to meet that energy need for me? Who's going to cook a meal that I won occasionally? What's going to happen if I don't get the house picked up tonight? Who's going to help me do that? I got to stay up later. I can't sleep tonight either. And just being so consumed with that, instead of like flipping the narrative and saying, this is a vocation that does require pouring myself out for somebody else. And guess what? I'm going to be more Lexi having done that than trying to flee that mantle of good work that the Lord has given me. I'm going to become less and less human going to the other end of the spectrum. And the other thing, too, is as a helper, you are meeting other people's needs. That's like, we can't overlook that fact. You do. There are oftentimes where you have to put

into destruction. So the wife whose husband is doing a C-minus job of ruling and taking care of her, if she says, you know what, I'm going to do a C-minus job of being a wife and mother then. Everybody's going to get to an F-minus pretty soon. But if the C-minus husband has a wife who says, you know what, I'm going to be an A-plus wife, I'm going to be the best wife, I'm going to be the best mother, I'm going to be zealous, the Lord is going to take care of me. He's given me these duties. He's even told me that if I submit to my husband, even if he's being unrighteous, that I'm submitting to the Lord ultimately, and the Lord will watch over me. Even if in this life and people neglect this doctrine of eternity, even if in this life you're wronged more often than not, do you know who's going to take care of you in eternity forever? The Lord Jesus Christ. And he will say, well done. I put those good works in front of you and you walk in them faithfully. And you're imitating the Lord who only did good to everyone around him. And he was wronged over and over and over and over. And enduring the cross and the suffering of that, he reaped the benefit and the reward of joy and glory and honor and exaltation. And this is what we're supposed to desire is, you know, if humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God that at the proper time he might exalt you. It's God who exalts.

exaltation. And this is what we're supposed to desire is, you know, if humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God that at the proper time he might exalt you. It's God who exalts. When we focus on exalting ourselves and serving ourselves, we can't do it. We're not strong enough to exalt ourselves, but God is. So men have to remember this. Women have to remember this. It really comes back to this question of, am I going to be like the Lord Jesus Christ or not? But the other side of the coin, and this is the part we have failed to believe, it's so rare for truly, it's truly rare for the wife and the C minus husband. situation to take a year and say, I'm going to be the A plus wife, A plus mother, and have her husband not see that, say that, respond. And he was probably sending and falling short and doing that. The other thing is true, too. It is rare for the husband to take an A plus effort and say, and also in his work of ruling, and I'm not talking just about out there in the world. I mean, like in his correcting and instructing of his wife. If she really is being a C minus wife and mother, and she's being that mom whose baby hasn't been outside for a year because she's lazy and loves to text and eat bonbons or whatever she's doing. I don't know. Probably a lot of the time

and she's being that mom whose baby hasn't been outside for a year because she's lazy and loves to text and eat bonbons or whatever she's doing. I don't know. Probably a lot of the time probably not actually eating bonbons. More like just being lazy. Okay. If he helps instruct her and he gently, kindly, kindly, patiently, firmly gives her targets, gives her help, says this is what you need to do. I'm going to come home and ask you how the day went. What walk did you go for? What did you accomplish? it's very rare for that not to bear good fruit. No. And it can not bear good fruit. The other person can be really obstinate and totally send it up and ruin everything. That happens. It genuinely does. But I'm saying it's actually more rare than people think. Yeah. Because we tend to locate far more of our problems in other people than is truly belongs in other people. Yes, that's true. That's a really good point. We are way more often our biggest problem. Yeah. Than other people. When you have a busy house, the immediate demands of activities, Events and never-ending to-do lists can overshadow critical long-term decisions. Life insurance, financial planning, education savings, and retirement are continually back-burnered. Joe Garrisey and his team from Backwards Planning Financial will help you maximize financial tools, management, and strategies so you can focus on your home and have confidence for your financial future.

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mother, homemaker, wife, trusted counselor to her husband. I'm not focusing on other things like friend and there's other, there's other things outside of the home that are truly good things for a wife to do, but we're really focusing here on the central vocation of the woman as helper. I do have a question, though, and this is, I think we've circled around it to a large extent, but why is this theme and command so often there, whenever the scriptures are talking about the wife's vocation, just a significant amount of the time brings up submission. It's true in Titus too. Older women teach the younger women to be workers at home. It says there to teach what is good. And so train the young women, talking about the older women to the younger women. So train the young women to love their husbands and children. There's wife and mother to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, is a big one there. I think that's really important and submissive to their own husbands. Like, are you saying why is submission so often tied to helper? Yeah, to her vocation. Ephesians 5 does the same thing. Wives respect your husbands, you're playing the role of the church in this, which again is like, what is the church in relation to Christ? The church carries out the will of Christ as the head on earth. We're supposed to obey the Lord and do what he said. Okay, submitting to him.

which again is like, what is the church in relation to Christ? The church carries out the will of Christ as the head on earth. We're supposed to obey the Lord and do what he said. Okay, submitting to him. It brings up submission again. First Peter three, another passage talking about duties of husbands and wives. Peter brings up submission and honor and respect in in Proverbs 31. It very much presents the wife. Again, she's in the order of hierarchy and the order of affairs. It's quite clear that her husband is the head in Genesis 2. and then in Paul's comments on it in 1 Corinthians, 11. It's just over and over, this is brought up. And when the scriptures don't talk about something a lot, and they genuinely don't talk about marriage a lot. Yeah. Because the Bible is not about marriage. It's about Christ. It's about redemption. So if almost every time it talks about it, in this particular didactic way, it brings up for the husband the need to love and lay down his life, well, that should tell husband something. And if it tells the wife, submit to your husband and respect him, why is that such a central part of the helper's role that it's brought up so much? You literally can't help

such a central part of the helper's role that it's brought up so much? You literally can't help if you're not willing to submit to the task of helping. You can't. There's no way around it. Why not? Because you have to obey. You have to do what he wants. It's like you do need to think about it in terms of parenting. Like, I'm asking you to do something. In order to do that, you submit to what I said. You have to do it. There's no other way around it. I'm bringing it up because I really think this is something that just like men can fail to think, they think about a million things, but they don't think like, oh, I need to love my wife. Oh, not just solve her problems. Not just fix things for her. Yeah, because you can have like then it, so if you're not submitting, it becomes disrespect is what's happening. And so there's a couple ways, I think there's like two spectrums with this is you have a woman who thinks who genuinely even might be a know at all, genuinely knows more than her husband. So what happens is instead of quietly submitting to what he says, assuming that he has actually thought about it, assuming the best of him, she is like going to give 15 alternatives to what he said instead. Or you have the other end of the spectrum where the wife is just lazy and she's not going to get busy about her husband's work. Yeah. So both of those have to submit. It just, some of it is tempering down.

So both of those have to submit. It just, some of it is tempering down. Some of it is a giddy up sort of a situation. Yes. And a husband has to know which his wife falls into. To lead her well. To lead her well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is part of knowing the condition of your, of your flocks, the principle in Proverbs, a husband as a husbandman as a shepherd, as a shepherd, to rule well, to lead well, to be a good Lord, to be a good shepherd. You have to know, like, this sheep really loves to prance and dance away off into where the wolves live. And I think wives have to be honest with themselves about know yourself as well. And if you genuinely are like, I genuinely don't know, which is probably not true, you just don't want to admit it, ask your husband. Ask. Ask. Go ask him. What would you like me to do? Am I doing a good job in the home? Are there things you would like to see me do more of? As your wife. Are there things that you wish I would do differently about enlist them? Are there things that you wish as your wife that I would do differently about dinner, groceries, cleaning the house? I know some people will even do this at the end of the year, every year where they just have a, I actually thought it was a good idea and I meant to bring it up, but forgot. Where they just, each of them have a, like a questionnaire about the other at the end of the year. And neither feelings are allowed to be hurt.

Send it my way, babe. Send it my way. Yeah, no, this really is a central duty. I think it's obvious, but it's so important that we actually just make eye contact with. it and say being a helper means that you're helping someone do something and you really have to help you and that means like, like, if I'm my, if my kids are helping me put together some IKEA furniture and I say hand me the jlup and jlop and jlop and lop-dowel to go into the whiskers leg hole and they hand me. the puffin feather blue bull dorp instead. That's not doing it. I don't know. That doesn't help. And sometimes you're just like, oh, you're helping. But as a wife, you don't want to just be like the toddler that's like they're helping me. No, you don't want to be the toddler. They have their little mower that's just the little colorful balls that pop up and down as they mow. I'm helping. This is like me anytime you see me get out a canister of paint. You're like, oh, good. I guess I'm painting this room now, Lexi. There are many things that I tell Lexi, you have total. You can do anything. Here's the budget. If it is painting a room, I've learned. Have you heard about the time? I'm either doing it or I'm hiring a man to do it.

If it is painting a room, I've learned. Have you heard about the time? I'm either doing it or I'm hiring a man to do it. Have you heard about the time where Paige painted a room while Ethan was gone? Oh, no. And he wanted to see she was like on FaceTime with him. Oh, no. But her method is so, I would totally do this. Her method was that she would just tape off. a little bit one day and just paint that. No. Next day. I think, I think I'm representing this correctly, right, page? The next day, she would just tape a little bit. So Ethan wanted to see how she was doing it. And I don't know, I don't remember if she was willing to show him or not. I'm sure it turned out. But she was like, you, you would not be happy with the way this is out. Yeah, you know, that's right. You really like, ladies just sometimes need to hear. And the thing is, like, no, very few people are. willing to tell you this, ladies. This is what Brihart's all about. Your pastor might not be willing to tell you this. Your husband might be too scared to tell you this. But you just need to obey him. Like, do what he says. And do it. It's not more complicated than that. Do it right away all the way with a happy heart. And just see what happens. It may be you're thinking like, what I don't think this is the right thing to do. Put that thought out of your mind. Unless he's telling you to sin. Unless he's like, go rob this bank for me, helper. Something I had to realize recently. we had a meeting with Pastor Cotton where we were going over some projects.

Put that thought out of your mind. Unless he's telling you to sin. Unless he's like, go rob this bank for me, helper. Something I had to realize recently. we had a meeting with Pastor Cotton where we were going over some projects. And I think it was him that brought up the whole like, don't, don't offer multiple alternatives to your husband when he's told you to do something. And I was like, oh, wait a second. I do that a lot of the time. But here's my reasoning. And I think ladies can get wrapped up in this. It's because I'm worried what other people think. So I will often come to you with an issue and I'm like, what do I need to do. Or how do I solve this problem in how? And you will give me one specific thing to do. And I'm like, yeah, but have you, have you thought about how these 10 people are going to perceive that? Let's work through that first. So you haven't actually said it in this way, but this is kind of the gist of how you've been telling me. Maybe, maybe I'm wrong. You can correct me here. Okay. But I've been having to like just submit, Lexi. It doesn't matter what those people think about this because your husband told you what to do. He's already thinking about those things. He's smart. He can. figure it out. He's socially aware. He knows what the temptations might be of others. Just listen to him. And if they don't, a lot of the time, too, for a man, a man has thought about that. But then he's gone. And a woman has overthought about it. He just went, but I don't care.

figure it out. He's socially aware. He knows what the temptations might be of others. Just listen to him. And if they don't, a lot of the time, too, for a man, a man has thought about that. But then he's gone. And a woman has overthought about it. He just went, but I don't care. Yes. What they think. And so. And then, and then that's the last time he thinks about it. But for a woman, she's like worried about consensus building and community. And so she thinks about it 50 more times. And he's like, why are you still thinking about that? I literally don't care. what that person thinks about this. But I will say, since you have given me more clear directives in a few ways, it has been so comforting to me to when that thought comes back to my mind of like, don't worry, submission is a protection. Yeah. This is a peaceful thing. And it has been so freeing to me to not have to worry about. And even that's a way of like correcting me even. Yeah. Leading is correcting to a standard, even if you're not actually saying, you're doing this wrong. Stop, or you're sending. You're not always sinning. The reason I'm saying that is because I didn't necessarily realize or think about that in terms of disrespect. But it is what is happening is because you don't necessarily want to have to have that same conversation with me five times just because I can't emotionally be mature enough. So I have to be able to, um, to just submit and do the thing you told me to do and put my big girl pants on and not

answer is no. Yeah. I literally never think about it. I would never think that the Smith family is like less than because they didn't do the thing that I'm, that I'm now prejudging myself for not doing on the basis of the Smith family thinking about me. And the men are like, we are simple creatures a lot of the time. And by design, again, because lead in command, you really are, you have to just make one decision. You can't have 50 decisions that you half make. You have to make one, you have to make, you have to make the decision all the way and then forget about it in a sense. You have to not like, yeah, maybe evaluate did that work or not. Sure. But most of the time, if you get locked in like, hyper-evaluating every decision you make as a leader. Yes. Oh my goodness. Like you're, a lot of it's pride. You're just like thinking that everybody cares about you way more than they care about you. Yes. Yes. Yes. They actually don't. Yes. Because they are normal human beings. They actually don't. Okay. I have just one last kind of cluster of things and then we'll wrap this episode up. And they're related. Like the housewife still has this negative stigma in our culture, I mean, of being a waste of talent and potential for a wife. I think everybody agrees on that. But one of the areas where I think this shows up in the Christian world and even in allegedly conservative Christian corners of the world is that we are still set on

potential for a wife. I think everybody agrees on that. But one of the areas where I think this shows up in the Christian world and even in allegedly conservative Christian corners of the world is that we are still set on making women into boss babe leaders of stuff. And when we are doing that, even in the Christian world, we are believing that same thing. That it's like a waste of talent. Well, this, this super talented woman, she could be like the next TPUSA politics conference speaker. She's so talented. It'd be such a waste for her just like, God gave her all these gifts. It'd be such a waste for her just to be housewife and a mother. Why it, why do we do that? Why is, why is the world so set on this? And why do we fall for it so often? I think, I think this is Marxism. I think it's because we take too much of an economical view of the person. Okay. And so all, what we see is how can we turn a profit on that for the maximum amount? It went in reality. Like I, I genuinely had to, to think about this in terms of teaching and leading Titus two stuff more. Yeah. Of my daughter was old enough that I had to be like, you know what? The Lord gave me these interests for Daphne and Winnie and Penelope. And that's it. And I have

you know what? The Lord gave me these interests for Daphne and Winnie and Penelope. And that's it. And I have to be okay with that. But if I'm constantly thinking of like, and it is true, there are times that I do still help in that capacity. It's not, I do that often. But I think that's part of it is our modern view of personhood because of Marxism, that we should be. and men and women are both the same. So if men can do it for the masses, women should be able to do it too. And that, I mean, what flows down from that is feminism. Yeah. So, because it's egalitarianism. So it just all is kind of wrapped up in that. And I mean, it goes back to the Chesterton quote, I want to be, I want to be a domestic queen for the domestic princesses in my home. Not for everyone else because that really is honestly less efficient for your mission, for me helping you with your mission. Yeah. If I am always teaching their daughters, but not my daughters. Yeah, it has to come in the right order. Yep. And with the right priority. And this is really, really important on the right subjects. So there is such a vast difference between even, and I think we have, we think about this all the time. We've talked about this all the time over the years. Even.

We've talked about this all the time over the years. Even. something like Brightheart, which we, you know, do every two weeks we sit down and record this podcast. And, you know, Lexi has written a book in nap times and corners of life and that kind of thing. And we talk about this all the time because it's actually so easy to go, oh, you know what, maybe, maybe, you know, and this is what I think one of the pathways the temptation becomes is like, where you go, oh, man, what if, what if we put her on this, what if, what if, what if we put on a book tour? What if we did a conference circuit? What if we did all this stuff? And it's so easy to get out of order. There is a reason that even this thing, Brighthearth, is ordered exactly the way it is and not the way it's not. What do we talk about? We talk about the productive Christian household. And there are some things that we do talk about that are beyond what Lexi, would talk about. But that's because I'm talking about them. I'm here. I'm her husband. I'm a man. I'm a pastor. I do other stuff too. Right. But pretty much for the most part, 99.8% what Lexi is doing, even on Breith is what does Titus too say that that an older woman with some experience should be talking about to